We just sent in our official contract to the new agency in Washington so we can officially go forward with this adoption. I have been dragging my feet for the last month and a half, wondering how I can handle one more child etc... etc...and a special needs one at that. Over and over, God gives us whisperings that we are to move forward. I finally realized that God is not going to remove every shred of doubt...because then no faith would be needed. The bottom line is that we can't get our girl out of our minds and hearts. We already feel like we love her as one of our own.
If one of our biological children were stuck in another country, we would do everything in order to go get them and bring them home. We would do whatever footwork, we would wade through whatever red tape, we would empty our savings, we would face fears, we wouldn't worry about what we would need to do once we were home. If their language had been stripped from them and they had had a disability inflicted upon them, if they would need therapy and medical attention upon arriving home, we would do it in a heartbeat. We must do the same for Rebekah. We feel empty when we talk of not getting her. That in itself can be taken as God's direction. But He has been gracious to give us many more confirmations then just that. I take my eyes off of God so easily. Sigh.
________________________________________
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
An Unexpected Turn of Events
I only have energy to post a copy of the email we sent out this evening.....
Hi Everyone,
A new level of faith for us that we are trying to process. It took us months of praying, and thinking and going back and forth about this adoption. We finally felt we were to go forward. We did. We drug our feet some. We went forward again and finally we are close to the end of all the paperwork. We have told God over and over again that we will drop this all at the 11th hour if He tells us to. Our Agency has been incredible. They have emailed us or called us multiple times during every week of this process. They are organized, their programs run smoothly, they have just been wonderful. They have been around since 2003 and have done over 1,000 adoptions.
Because our agency's main income is from Russian adoptions, and those adoptions can no longer happen, our entire agency has found it necessary to CLOSE! We just got an official email telling us this, offering us an appointment with them to ask questions and to process. They need our permission to transfer our paperwork to a different agency. We don't WANT a different agency. What is God doing? Tony is trying to teach, I am here crying, and what is God doing???? Is this a sign to stop, is it God saying we have to step it up faith wise? The money we have put into it has brought us as far as our home study, which can still go in next week to be approved. We've put nothing into Hungary itself. Is God calling us instead to do something else with this homestudy? Or are we to let it all go completely? Ugh.... Not all agencies are good. We already "know" all the people we are working with.... Even our travel coordinator over in Hungary, who now will not be the same. Will things go as smoothy with new agency? Will we be some of the first guinea pigs now with a new place? We are totally confused. Did God just want to know we were willing? Did He just want our hearts? Is He asking us to go forward in faith or to stop in faith????!!!!!!!!!!! Wow...this was totally unexpected! Totally. But isn't that often God's way.
Thank you for any prayers or input,
We only want God's will in this....
We truly need wisdom....We realize God sees the whole picture
and we don't. We are willing to continue. We are willing to stop.
In the meantime, our girl still needs a home.
Karen and Tony
Hi Everyone,
A new level of faith for us that we are trying to process. It took us months of praying, and thinking and going back and forth about this adoption. We finally felt we were to go forward. We did. We drug our feet some. We went forward again and finally we are close to the end of all the paperwork. We have told God over and over again that we will drop this all at the 11th hour if He tells us to. Our Agency has been incredible. They have emailed us or called us multiple times during every week of this process. They are organized, their programs run smoothly, they have just been wonderful. They have been around since 2003 and have done over 1,000 adoptions.
Because our agency's main income is from Russian adoptions, and those adoptions can no longer happen, our entire agency has found it necessary to CLOSE! We just got an official email telling us this, offering us an appointment with them to ask questions and to process. They need our permission to transfer our paperwork to a different agency. We don't WANT a different agency. What is God doing? Tony is trying to teach, I am here crying, and what is God doing???? Is this a sign to stop, is it God saying we have to step it up faith wise? The money we have put into it has brought us as far as our home study, which can still go in next week to be approved. We've put nothing into Hungary itself. Is God calling us instead to do something else with this homestudy? Or are we to let it all go completely? Ugh.... Not all agencies are good. We already "know" all the people we are working with.... Even our travel coordinator over in Hungary, who now will not be the same. Will things go as smoothy with new agency? Will we be some of the first guinea pigs now with a new place? We are totally confused. Did God just want to know we were willing? Did He just want our hearts? Is He asking us to go forward in faith or to stop in faith????!!!!!!!!!!! Wow...this was totally unexpected! Totally. But isn't that often God's way.
Thank you for any prayers or input,
We only want God's will in this....
We truly need wisdom....We realize God sees the whole picture
and we don't. We are willing to continue. We are willing to stop.
In the meantime, our girl still needs a home.
Karen and Tony
Friday, January 11, 2013
Sweeping Away the Crumbs
More then a month has gone by since my last post. It is amazing how fast time flies! We have been working on our paperwork pretty much non stop for the past weeks, getting ready for today. Our home study. I suppose it should have been stressful, logically speaking. After all, the social worker was here to interview us about our relationships, our views on parenting, our upbringings, our dreams, goals and hopes for our children...pretty big stuff. She was here also to go over paperwork...medical forms, fire safety plans, financial stuff, insurance...And to also go through our house. Is it safe to bring a child into? Well, I sure hope so, since we have raised 5 of our own here! So yeah-seems like it should have been stressful. But God showed up again, surprise, surprise! With His peace, presence and yes, even His sense of order. Things could not have flowed more smoothly. Even with the stickiness of the table that we forgot to wipe off! Yep, even the stickiness could not stop God's plan, imagine that! We laughed with "A" (the Social Worker), actually, about how we had cleaned the whole house like crazy people for 2 days. Cleaned it top to bottom. Places we maybe have never cleaned before (yes, Anna, like that crazy spin around soap thing in the bathroom wall that we never use...you wouldn't recognize it), and yet, we forgot to wipe down the table where we would be sitting this morning with all this paperwork. "A" laughed and swiped some crumbs off the table onto the floor, plopped down her paperwork, and from there on out we all just "clicked". Why does that amaze me? Why am I surprised? Over and over and over again, God has shown us that this is His plan for us. I am thankful that He has assured us of this and has affirmed it over and over...because then the little crumbs don't bother us...and we can actually even laugh about them. Because He has this whole thing under control. And He sees the entire picture!
That isn't saying that the fear doesn't try to creep in. We are well aware that bringing an older child into the family is a lot different then bringing in an infant or even a toddler. We've gone through training, classes, seminars. Online and in person with social workers. We've heard the best...we've heard the worst.... We realize that our girl most likely comes from a not so good background. That this in itself will bring a whole new realm of challenges into our lives and into the lives of our own children. This is something we discuss...something we are open about with each other and with the kids....It's something that has caused us to hesitate, to reconsider...and yet there is .... something.....someone.... who pushes us onward...I would even say compels us. All of us. And so we move forward, even though we know that we could stop at any time, and the fear would dissolve, relief would wash over us, and we could just continue on with every day life. We move forward...because we know that that feeling of relief would be temporary. Very short lived. We move forward....Because we know. We know that if we stop, we would always wonder, what if we hadn't let fear stop us? What if we hadn't let the crumbs trip us up? We know that if we stop, we would always wonder.... did our girl ever get a home? Did she get a family? Opportunity?
We would always wonder.... what would God have had for us if we hadn't given in to logic and fear but instead had listened to that still small voice in our hearts? We would always wonder..
...what did we miss out on.....
....what did we lose?
...what would the whole picture have looked like....
......If we had just swept the crumbs away?
That isn't saying that the fear doesn't try to creep in. We are well aware that bringing an older child into the family is a lot different then bringing in an infant or even a toddler. We've gone through training, classes, seminars. Online and in person with social workers. We've heard the best...we've heard the worst.... We realize that our girl most likely comes from a not so good background. That this in itself will bring a whole new realm of challenges into our lives and into the lives of our own children. This is something we discuss...something we are open about with each other and with the kids....It's something that has caused us to hesitate, to reconsider...and yet there is .... something.....someone.... who pushes us onward...I would even say compels us. All of us. And so we move forward, even though we know that we could stop at any time, and the fear would dissolve, relief would wash over us, and we could just continue on with every day life. We move forward...because we know that that feeling of relief would be temporary. Very short lived. We move forward....Because we know. We know that if we stop, we would always wonder, what if we hadn't let fear stop us? What if we hadn't let the crumbs trip us up? We know that if we stop, we would always wonder.... did our girl ever get a home? Did she get a family? Opportunity?
We would always wonder.... what would God have had for us if we hadn't given in to logic and fear but instead had listened to that still small voice in our hearts? We would always wonder..
...what did we miss out on.....
....what did we lose?
...what would the whole picture have looked like....
......If we had just swept the crumbs away?
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
His Hand
Every time we seem to be facing an insurmountable mountain, a way is made. Not by us, not by anything we try to force. Actually, it seems to be the opposite. We hit a roadblock, we stop and lay it down. I am starting to make the connection that there is power in that. In the laying it down. I DO know there is peace.
Some of Tony's blood work came back abnormal last month....it didn't seem possible. Results were pointing to an autoimmune disease. But he was feeling fine, and he has always been healthy. Something just didn't "feel right" about the results we were given. Our Dr. referred us to a specialist and although we were were hoping it was a lab error, we were told that that was highly unlikely. Not only were we uneasy about what lie ahead as far as Tony's health, we were confused and undecided about how to proceed (or even IF to proceed) with this adoption. And yet...we both felt like God had spoken back in July when we first sent in our initial contract. How could He be changing His mind? Then again, He IS God, and He IS so much bigger then us, and His ways are definitely not ours. So...
We decided to slow down a bit until we figured out what was going on. We went to the specialist and have been waiting for the official results, which came in today. Everything NEGATIVE. Everything NORMAL. A lab error. An unlikely lab error. We are elated and in awe and surprised. Gods hand has been so obvious during this entire journey.....And yet, in our human-ness, we continue to doubt.
Our hope and our prayer for ourselves, for others and for our girl one day when she learns the story of her homecoming...
"That we will know that it is Your hand,
That You, O Lord, have done it." Psalm 109:27
Some of Tony's blood work came back abnormal last month....it didn't seem possible. Results were pointing to an autoimmune disease. But he was feeling fine, and he has always been healthy. Something just didn't "feel right" about the results we were given. Our Dr. referred us to a specialist and although we were were hoping it was a lab error, we were told that that was highly unlikely. Not only were we uneasy about what lie ahead as far as Tony's health, we were confused and undecided about how to proceed (or even IF to proceed) with this adoption. And yet...we both felt like God had spoken back in July when we first sent in our initial contract. How could He be changing His mind? Then again, He IS God, and He IS so much bigger then us, and His ways are definitely not ours. So...
We decided to slow down a bit until we figured out what was going on. We went to the specialist and have been waiting for the official results, which came in today. Everything NEGATIVE. Everything NORMAL. A lab error. An unlikely lab error. We are elated and in awe and surprised. Gods hand has been so obvious during this entire journey.....And yet, in our human-ness, we continue to doubt.
Our hope and our prayer for ourselves, for others and for our girl one day when she learns the story of her homecoming...
"That we will know that it is Your hand,
That You, O Lord, have done it." Psalm 109:27
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Doesn't Just One Child Matter?
It's been a long time since I have written. Mainly because things have been overwhelming. Getting Anna off to Africa, adjusting to her being gone. Mom being very ill in August and September. And me just being downright tired and discouraged. Doubting that this whole adoption will work out. Doubting that I will have the energy, the strength, the time, the patience, the resources. We've been slowly pressing on with the paperwork. The Dr. appointments, the fingerprinting, the passports....but we've been dragging out feet. Mainly due to me.....the doubting Thomas, always needing another sign. Even though deep within, I know this is what we are being called to do. I know...because deep down, I am excited about it. I feel compelled. We all do....
And yet, I go back and forth. I doubt, I am encouraged. And then I doubt again. There are roadblocks and then somehow a way is opened up.....every time.
But in the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really wanted to give up. Just go back to being comfortable. I have even said to myself, "it is just one child...does it really matter that much?" Today, walking to the parking garage from work, I prayed for another whisper from God. I felt desperate....desperate to hear Him on this, "just one more time."
I got home, took a short nap and then Robert announced he was going to buy dinner and rent a movie for us to watch. It sounded good...a relaxing evening very much needed by all of us. But God had His own plan woven into this relaxing evening.....The following is a note I just wrote to Rachel and Anna, who both know the struggle I've been going through during these last weeks.
God's ways are incredible. I doubt Him and doubt Him...He gives me signs that this adoption is what He wants, and yet I go back to doubting. And I pray for yet another sign. And He is faithful.
Watching a movie with Ellie, Sarah and Robert tonight called "Arthur's Christmas" (not the aardvark Arthur!), and it is about one child whose present does not make it to her when Santa is out delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. But Santa is old and tired and he doesn't want to "mess" with just one child. He has been successful with so many other millions of children in all of the other countries and he just wants to let this one go. But his son, Arthur, is desperate to get this one gift to this little girl in England. Again, Santa and his Operating Engineer don't want the hassle of one child and so they focus on the countries where they did a perfect job....where all the presents were delivered. They hold up signs with the names of countries on them....the countries where they were 100% successful in their gift delivery. And then, as one of the elves says, "But doesn't just ONE CHILD matter?", the last sign comes up on the screen. And you know what it says without me even telling you, don't you....
"Hungary."
I am still shook up.....
God is incredible.
Love, Momma
And yet, I go back and forth. I doubt, I am encouraged. And then I doubt again. There are roadblocks and then somehow a way is opened up.....every time.
But in the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really wanted to give up. Just go back to being comfortable. I have even said to myself, "it is just one child...does it really matter that much?" Today, walking to the parking garage from work, I prayed for another whisper from God. I felt desperate....desperate to hear Him on this, "just one more time."
I got home, took a short nap and then Robert announced he was going to buy dinner and rent a movie for us to watch. It sounded good...a relaxing evening very much needed by all of us. But God had His own plan woven into this relaxing evening.....The following is a note I just wrote to Rachel and Anna, who both know the struggle I've been going through during these last weeks.
God's ways are incredible. I doubt Him and doubt Him...He gives me signs that this adoption is what He wants, and yet I go back to doubting. And I pray for yet another sign. And He is faithful.
Watching a movie with Ellie, Sarah and Robert tonight called "Arthur's Christmas" (not the aardvark Arthur!), and it is about one child whose present does not make it to her when Santa is out delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. But Santa is old and tired and he doesn't want to "mess" with just one child. He has been successful with so many other millions of children in all of the other countries and he just wants to let this one go. But his son, Arthur, is desperate to get this one gift to this little girl in England. Again, Santa and his Operating Engineer don't want the hassle of one child and so they focus on the countries where they did a perfect job....where all the presents were delivered. They hold up signs with the names of countries on them....the countries where they were 100% successful in their gift delivery. And then, as one of the elves says, "But doesn't just ONE CHILD matter?", the last sign comes up on the screen. And you know what it says without me even telling you, don't you....
"Hungary."
I am still shook up.....
God is incredible.
Love, Momma
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
NOT SO POSITIVE
I haven't been feeling so positive about the adoption lately, but I finally figured out today that it is the Dr. appointments and the whole immunization issue that is overwhelming me. I realized this today when our Agency wrote to tell me that they really don't expect the Immunization thing to be an issue. And if it is, we will be able to appeal. We also have the option (which I had forgotten about) of having the kids' blood drawn in order to prove immunity. So I am feeling much more free tonight and ready to tackle more of this mountain of paperwork!
First on the agenda is getting Anna off to Africa. She leaves 1 week from this Saturday! Wow! I have broken down a few times, but overall, I am so excited for her and wish I was going too! But she reminds me that I have an adoption to pursue...my own road of purpose. It's odd though, Anna had this feeling she should only go for 6 months to Africa...this was back last Fall, before we had even thought of adopting. But instead of going with her gut feeling, she went ahead and told the friend she is going with that she would do the 8 months. But the closer it got to her leaving, the more uneasy she felt. So she changed her plane tickets...and is coming home in March. How odd that that will most likely line up with around the time that we are getting the referral for our girl....and making travel plans for Hungary. This way we will have time to spend with Anna before we go, and we will also know she is home safe and is here for the others while we are gone. Strange how things continue to work out.
That is pretty much it for today. A boring post, but I wanted to write something in order to keep logging our journey.
First on the agenda is getting Anna off to Africa. She leaves 1 week from this Saturday! Wow! I have broken down a few times, but overall, I am so excited for her and wish I was going too! But she reminds me that I have an adoption to pursue...my own road of purpose. It's odd though, Anna had this feeling she should only go for 6 months to Africa...this was back last Fall, before we had even thought of adopting. But instead of going with her gut feeling, she went ahead and told the friend she is going with that she would do the 8 months. But the closer it got to her leaving, the more uneasy she felt. So she changed her plane tickets...and is coming home in March. How odd that that will most likely line up with around the time that we are getting the referral for our girl....and making travel plans for Hungary. This way we will have time to spend with Anna before we go, and we will also know she is home safe and is here for the others while we are gone. Strange how things continue to work out.
That is pretty much it for today. A boring post, but I wanted to write something in order to keep logging our journey.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
He Has This
It's been a while since I have written. That surely does not mean that nothing has been happening, only that I haven't had time to journal it. We had an incredibly wonderful meeting a couple of weeks ago at our Adoption Agency with the Director....just to meet her and to go over our Home Study requirements.
First of all, on the day of the meeting, I was at work until 12:30 p.m. We had our meeting set for 3:30. Plenty of time, right? Well, the traffic could not have been worse in downtown Chicago that day and it took me an hour to get home! Bumper to bumper stopped. Me fidgeting, tapping frantically on the steering wheel and at one point almost crying...and then, in an instant, I looked up and staring back at me was the license plate of the car in front of me- It said Hungry 1. Really. It did. And the rest of my long ride home was peaceful and spent in praise. God, in His creative way, had just communicated to me that He "had this". I didn't need to force anything. He just really had it.
By the time Tony and I got in the car to drive up North, it was after 2:30 but we thought no problem, we still had 50 minutes. Well it was smooth sailing until we were 10 minutes away from the agency and then we hit a sign that said, "Road Closed...Detour." Are you kidding me? So we took the detour down some country road, got stuck in jam packed traffic from a factory letting out, and ended up lost. We finally called the agency (after the cell phone disconnected twice) and got directions. By then we were a wreck, nervous and a bit mentally disorganized...not really the way you want to present yourselves as pre-adoptive parents! But when we got there, everyone was so welcoming, so understanding, so down to earth...and it all just flowed so smoothly. We read through information, we laughed and joked and learned a lot about the people's lives at the agency...and of course many of them are adoptive parents themselves. We walked out 2 hours later, overwhelmed, but peaceful. We felt cared for... and very sure that this is the road God is leading us down. Very sure that He "has it".
We have hit a couple of roadblocks since then. A huge decision about Doctors, immunizations. The State requires the kids' immunization records as part of our home study, in order to approve us for adoption in Illinois. We found out that our Pediatrician's office who has our kids medical records from when they had their vaccines has shredded those records because we haven't been there in the last five years!! (I could write a whole blog post on just that! But that's another story!) We need a Dr. willing to navigate us through this dilemma and today, a friend (who we don't talk to all that often but who just "happened" to come by) thinks she may know someone who will help us. We are waiting for the word on that.
Also, much of our paperwork needs to be notarized. The banks can't do it, as they can't come with us to Dr. appointments and psychological examinations etc... to witness our signatures. We have checked with our credit union and they don't really do adoptions. This was weighing heavily on us. We fretted, we worried, we desperately asked around. It kept me awake at night. And then, we decided, to pray (duh.) Something we say to each other a lot these days is, "well, this is God's problem. He has to figure it out or we can't move on." As soon as we rested in that, out of the blue, we found out that one of our very best friends, who Tony sees almost weekly, is a Notary and we didn't even know it! Another confirmation that God is leading us. Another whisper to press on.
It has been an incredible God journey already! Some days we are up, some days we are down, some days we are neutral. Some days we are panic stricken, some days we are peaceful. There are days we are positive this is all going to work out, and there are days we cry, "Lord, help us in our unbelief!" But every time we find ourselves facing a road block, and we have done all we know to do...When we have lifted it up and then most importantly laid it down, the insurmountable mountain crumbles and the path opens anew. And although it is sometimes leading in a totally different direction from what we expected or even wanted, one thing is for certain--God is there and He is reminding us that He can do immeasurably more then anything we can ask or imagine. And we don't have to worry. Because He "has this". He really, really "has this".
First of all, on the day of the meeting, I was at work until 12:30 p.m. We had our meeting set for 3:30. Plenty of time, right? Well, the traffic could not have been worse in downtown Chicago that day and it took me an hour to get home! Bumper to bumper stopped. Me fidgeting, tapping frantically on the steering wheel and at one point almost crying...and then, in an instant, I looked up and staring back at me was the license plate of the car in front of me- It said Hungry 1. Really. It did. And the rest of my long ride home was peaceful and spent in praise. God, in His creative way, had just communicated to me that He "had this". I didn't need to force anything. He just really had it.
By the time Tony and I got in the car to drive up North, it was after 2:30 but we thought no problem, we still had 50 minutes. Well it was smooth sailing until we were 10 minutes away from the agency and then we hit a sign that said, "Road Closed...Detour." Are you kidding me? So we took the detour down some country road, got stuck in jam packed traffic from a factory letting out, and ended up lost. We finally called the agency (after the cell phone disconnected twice) and got directions. By then we were a wreck, nervous and a bit mentally disorganized...not really the way you want to present yourselves as pre-adoptive parents! But when we got there, everyone was so welcoming, so understanding, so down to earth...and it all just flowed so smoothly. We read through information, we laughed and joked and learned a lot about the people's lives at the agency...and of course many of them are adoptive parents themselves. We walked out 2 hours later, overwhelmed, but peaceful. We felt cared for... and very sure that this is the road God is leading us down. Very sure that He "has it".
We have hit a couple of roadblocks since then. A huge decision about Doctors, immunizations. The State requires the kids' immunization records as part of our home study, in order to approve us for adoption in Illinois. We found out that our Pediatrician's office who has our kids medical records from when they had their vaccines has shredded those records because we haven't been there in the last five years!! (I could write a whole blog post on just that! But that's another story!) We need a Dr. willing to navigate us through this dilemma and today, a friend (who we don't talk to all that often but who just "happened" to come by) thinks she may know someone who will help us. We are waiting for the word on that.
Also, much of our paperwork needs to be notarized. The banks can't do it, as they can't come with us to Dr. appointments and psychological examinations etc... to witness our signatures. We have checked with our credit union and they don't really do adoptions. This was weighing heavily on us. We fretted, we worried, we desperately asked around. It kept me awake at night. And then, we decided, to pray (duh.) Something we say to each other a lot these days is, "well, this is God's problem. He has to figure it out or we can't move on." As soon as we rested in that, out of the blue, we found out that one of our very best friends, who Tony sees almost weekly, is a Notary and we didn't even know it! Another confirmation that God is leading us. Another whisper to press on.
It has been an incredible God journey already! Some days we are up, some days we are down, some days we are neutral. Some days we are panic stricken, some days we are peaceful. There are days we are positive this is all going to work out, and there are days we cry, "Lord, help us in our unbelief!" But every time we find ourselves facing a road block, and we have done all we know to do...When we have lifted it up and then most importantly laid it down, the insurmountable mountain crumbles and the path opens anew. And although it is sometimes leading in a totally different direction from what we expected or even wanted, one thing is for certain--God is there and He is reminding us that He can do immeasurably more then anything we can ask or imagine. And we don't have to worry. Because He "has this". He really, really "has this".
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