It's been a long time since I have written. Mainly because things have been overwhelming. Getting Anna off to Africa, adjusting to her being gone. Mom being very ill in August and September. And me just being downright tired and discouraged. Doubting that this whole adoption will work out. Doubting that I will have the energy, the strength, the time, the patience, the resources. We've been slowly pressing on with the paperwork. The Dr. appointments, the fingerprinting, the passports....but we've been dragging out feet. Mainly due to me.....the doubting Thomas, always needing another sign. Even though deep within, I know this is what we are being called to do. I know...because deep down, I am excited about it. I feel compelled. We all do....
And yet, I go back and forth. I doubt, I am encouraged. And then I doubt again. There are roadblocks and then somehow a way is opened up.....every time.
But in the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really wanted to give up. Just go back to being comfortable. I have even said to myself, "it is just one child...does it really matter that much?" Today, walking to the parking garage from work, I prayed for another whisper from God. I felt desperate....desperate to hear Him on this, "just one more time."
I got home, took a short nap and then Robert announced he was going to buy dinner and rent a movie for us to watch. It sounded good...a relaxing evening very much needed by all of us. But God had His own plan woven into this relaxing evening.....The following is a note I just wrote to Rachel and Anna, who both know the struggle I've been going through during these last weeks.
God's ways are incredible. I doubt Him and doubt Him...He gives me signs that this adoption is what He wants, and yet I go back to doubting. And I pray for yet another sign. And He is faithful.
Watching a movie with Ellie, Sarah and Robert tonight called "Arthur's Christmas" (not the aardvark Arthur!), and it is about one child whose present does not make it to her when Santa is out delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. But Santa is old and tired and he doesn't want to "mess" with just one child. He has been successful with so many other millions of children in all of the other countries and he just wants to let this one go. But his son, Arthur, is desperate to get this one gift to this little girl in England. Again, Santa and his Operating Engineer don't want the hassle of one child and so they focus on the countries where they did a perfect job....where all the presents were delivered. They hold up signs with the names of countries on them....the countries where they were 100% successful in their gift delivery. And then, as one of the elves says, "But doesn't just ONE CHILD matter?", the last sign comes up on the screen. And you know what it says without me even telling you, don't you....
"Hungary."
I am still shook up.....
God is incredible.
Love, Momma
