Every time we seem to be facing an insurmountable mountain, a way is made. Not by us, not by anything we try to force. Actually, it seems to be the opposite. We hit a roadblock, we stop and lay it down. I am starting to make the connection that there is power in that. In the laying it down. I DO know there is peace.
Some of Tony's blood work came back abnormal last month....it didn't seem possible. Results were pointing to an autoimmune disease. But he was feeling fine, and he has always been healthy. Something just didn't "feel right" about the results we were given. Our Dr. referred us to a specialist and although we were were hoping it was a lab error, we were told that that was highly unlikely. Not only were we uneasy about what lie ahead as far as Tony's health, we were confused and undecided about how to proceed (or even IF to proceed) with this adoption. And yet...we both felt like God had spoken back in July when we first sent in our initial contract. How could He be changing His mind? Then again, He IS God, and He IS so much bigger then us, and His ways are definitely not ours. So...
We decided to slow down a bit until we figured out what was going on. We went to the specialist and have been waiting for the official results, which came in today. Everything NEGATIVE. Everything NORMAL. A lab error. An unlikely lab error. We are elated and in awe and surprised. Gods hand has been so obvious during this entire journey.....And yet, in our human-ness, we continue to doubt.
Our hope and our prayer for ourselves, for others and for our girl one day when she learns the story of her homecoming...
"That we will know that it is Your hand,
That You, O Lord, have done it." Psalm 109:27
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Doesn't Just One Child Matter?
It's been a long time since I have written. Mainly because things have been overwhelming. Getting Anna off to Africa, adjusting to her being gone. Mom being very ill in August and September. And me just being downright tired and discouraged. Doubting that this whole adoption will work out. Doubting that I will have the energy, the strength, the time, the patience, the resources. We've been slowly pressing on with the paperwork. The Dr. appointments, the fingerprinting, the passports....but we've been dragging out feet. Mainly due to me.....the doubting Thomas, always needing another sign. Even though deep within, I know this is what we are being called to do. I know...because deep down, I am excited about it. I feel compelled. We all do....
And yet, I go back and forth. I doubt, I am encouraged. And then I doubt again. There are roadblocks and then somehow a way is opened up.....every time.
But in the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really wanted to give up. Just go back to being comfortable. I have even said to myself, "it is just one child...does it really matter that much?" Today, walking to the parking garage from work, I prayed for another whisper from God. I felt desperate....desperate to hear Him on this, "just one more time."
I got home, took a short nap and then Robert announced he was going to buy dinner and rent a movie for us to watch. It sounded good...a relaxing evening very much needed by all of us. But God had His own plan woven into this relaxing evening.....The following is a note I just wrote to Rachel and Anna, who both know the struggle I've been going through during these last weeks.
God's ways are incredible. I doubt Him and doubt Him...He gives me signs that this adoption is what He wants, and yet I go back to doubting. And I pray for yet another sign. And He is faithful.
Watching a movie with Ellie, Sarah and Robert tonight called "Arthur's Christmas" (not the aardvark Arthur!), and it is about one child whose present does not make it to her when Santa is out delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. But Santa is old and tired and he doesn't want to "mess" with just one child. He has been successful with so many other millions of children in all of the other countries and he just wants to let this one go. But his son, Arthur, is desperate to get this one gift to this little girl in England. Again, Santa and his Operating Engineer don't want the hassle of one child and so they focus on the countries where they did a perfect job....where all the presents were delivered. They hold up signs with the names of countries on them....the countries where they were 100% successful in their gift delivery. And then, as one of the elves says, "But doesn't just ONE CHILD matter?", the last sign comes up on the screen. And you know what it says without me even telling you, don't you....
"Hungary."
I am still shook up.....
God is incredible.
Love, Momma
And yet, I go back and forth. I doubt, I am encouraged. And then I doubt again. There are roadblocks and then somehow a way is opened up.....every time.
But in the past 3 or 4 weeks, I have really wanted to give up. Just go back to being comfortable. I have even said to myself, "it is just one child...does it really matter that much?" Today, walking to the parking garage from work, I prayed for another whisper from God. I felt desperate....desperate to hear Him on this, "just one more time."
I got home, took a short nap and then Robert announced he was going to buy dinner and rent a movie for us to watch. It sounded good...a relaxing evening very much needed by all of us. But God had His own plan woven into this relaxing evening.....The following is a note I just wrote to Rachel and Anna, who both know the struggle I've been going through during these last weeks.
God's ways are incredible. I doubt Him and doubt Him...He gives me signs that this adoption is what He wants, and yet I go back to doubting. And I pray for yet another sign. And He is faithful.
Watching a movie with Ellie, Sarah and Robert tonight called "Arthur's Christmas" (not the aardvark Arthur!), and it is about one child whose present does not make it to her when Santa is out delivering gifts on Christmas Eve. But Santa is old and tired and he doesn't want to "mess" with just one child. He has been successful with so many other millions of children in all of the other countries and he just wants to let this one go. But his son, Arthur, is desperate to get this one gift to this little girl in England. Again, Santa and his Operating Engineer don't want the hassle of one child and so they focus on the countries where they did a perfect job....where all the presents were delivered. They hold up signs with the names of countries on them....the countries where they were 100% successful in their gift delivery. And then, as one of the elves says, "But doesn't just ONE CHILD matter?", the last sign comes up on the screen. And you know what it says without me even telling you, don't you....
"Hungary."
I am still shook up.....
God is incredible.
Love, Momma
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
NOT SO POSITIVE
I haven't been feeling so positive about the adoption lately, but I finally figured out today that it is the Dr. appointments and the whole immunization issue that is overwhelming me. I realized this today when our Agency wrote to tell me that they really don't expect the Immunization thing to be an issue. And if it is, we will be able to appeal. We also have the option (which I had forgotten about) of having the kids' blood drawn in order to prove immunity. So I am feeling much more free tonight and ready to tackle more of this mountain of paperwork!
First on the agenda is getting Anna off to Africa. She leaves 1 week from this Saturday! Wow! I have broken down a few times, but overall, I am so excited for her and wish I was going too! But she reminds me that I have an adoption to pursue...my own road of purpose. It's odd though, Anna had this feeling she should only go for 6 months to Africa...this was back last Fall, before we had even thought of adopting. But instead of going with her gut feeling, she went ahead and told the friend she is going with that she would do the 8 months. But the closer it got to her leaving, the more uneasy she felt. So she changed her plane tickets...and is coming home in March. How odd that that will most likely line up with around the time that we are getting the referral for our girl....and making travel plans for Hungary. This way we will have time to spend with Anna before we go, and we will also know she is home safe and is here for the others while we are gone. Strange how things continue to work out.
That is pretty much it for today. A boring post, but I wanted to write something in order to keep logging our journey.
First on the agenda is getting Anna off to Africa. She leaves 1 week from this Saturday! Wow! I have broken down a few times, but overall, I am so excited for her and wish I was going too! But she reminds me that I have an adoption to pursue...my own road of purpose. It's odd though, Anna had this feeling she should only go for 6 months to Africa...this was back last Fall, before we had even thought of adopting. But instead of going with her gut feeling, she went ahead and told the friend she is going with that she would do the 8 months. But the closer it got to her leaving, the more uneasy she felt. So she changed her plane tickets...and is coming home in March. How odd that that will most likely line up with around the time that we are getting the referral for our girl....and making travel plans for Hungary. This way we will have time to spend with Anna before we go, and we will also know she is home safe and is here for the others while we are gone. Strange how things continue to work out.
That is pretty much it for today. A boring post, but I wanted to write something in order to keep logging our journey.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
He Has This
It's been a while since I have written. That surely does not mean that nothing has been happening, only that I haven't had time to journal it. We had an incredibly wonderful meeting a couple of weeks ago at our Adoption Agency with the Director....just to meet her and to go over our Home Study requirements.
First of all, on the day of the meeting, I was at work until 12:30 p.m. We had our meeting set for 3:30. Plenty of time, right? Well, the traffic could not have been worse in downtown Chicago that day and it took me an hour to get home! Bumper to bumper stopped. Me fidgeting, tapping frantically on the steering wheel and at one point almost crying...and then, in an instant, I looked up and staring back at me was the license plate of the car in front of me- It said Hungry 1. Really. It did. And the rest of my long ride home was peaceful and spent in praise. God, in His creative way, had just communicated to me that He "had this". I didn't need to force anything. He just really had it.
By the time Tony and I got in the car to drive up North, it was after 2:30 but we thought no problem, we still had 50 minutes. Well it was smooth sailing until we were 10 minutes away from the agency and then we hit a sign that said, "Road Closed...Detour." Are you kidding me? So we took the detour down some country road, got stuck in jam packed traffic from a factory letting out, and ended up lost. We finally called the agency (after the cell phone disconnected twice) and got directions. By then we were a wreck, nervous and a bit mentally disorganized...not really the way you want to present yourselves as pre-adoptive parents! But when we got there, everyone was so welcoming, so understanding, so down to earth...and it all just flowed so smoothly. We read through information, we laughed and joked and learned a lot about the people's lives at the agency...and of course many of them are adoptive parents themselves. We walked out 2 hours later, overwhelmed, but peaceful. We felt cared for... and very sure that this is the road God is leading us down. Very sure that He "has it".
We have hit a couple of roadblocks since then. A huge decision about Doctors, immunizations. The State requires the kids' immunization records as part of our home study, in order to approve us for adoption in Illinois. We found out that our Pediatrician's office who has our kids medical records from when they had their vaccines has shredded those records because we haven't been there in the last five years!! (I could write a whole blog post on just that! But that's another story!) We need a Dr. willing to navigate us through this dilemma and today, a friend (who we don't talk to all that often but who just "happened" to come by) thinks she may know someone who will help us. We are waiting for the word on that.
Also, much of our paperwork needs to be notarized. The banks can't do it, as they can't come with us to Dr. appointments and psychological examinations etc... to witness our signatures. We have checked with our credit union and they don't really do adoptions. This was weighing heavily on us. We fretted, we worried, we desperately asked around. It kept me awake at night. And then, we decided, to pray (duh.) Something we say to each other a lot these days is, "well, this is God's problem. He has to figure it out or we can't move on." As soon as we rested in that, out of the blue, we found out that one of our very best friends, who Tony sees almost weekly, is a Notary and we didn't even know it! Another confirmation that God is leading us. Another whisper to press on.
It has been an incredible God journey already! Some days we are up, some days we are down, some days we are neutral. Some days we are panic stricken, some days we are peaceful. There are days we are positive this is all going to work out, and there are days we cry, "Lord, help us in our unbelief!" But every time we find ourselves facing a road block, and we have done all we know to do...When we have lifted it up and then most importantly laid it down, the insurmountable mountain crumbles and the path opens anew. And although it is sometimes leading in a totally different direction from what we expected or even wanted, one thing is for certain--God is there and He is reminding us that He can do immeasurably more then anything we can ask or imagine. And we don't have to worry. Because He "has this". He really, really "has this".
First of all, on the day of the meeting, I was at work until 12:30 p.m. We had our meeting set for 3:30. Plenty of time, right? Well, the traffic could not have been worse in downtown Chicago that day and it took me an hour to get home! Bumper to bumper stopped. Me fidgeting, tapping frantically on the steering wheel and at one point almost crying...and then, in an instant, I looked up and staring back at me was the license plate of the car in front of me- It said Hungry 1. Really. It did. And the rest of my long ride home was peaceful and spent in praise. God, in His creative way, had just communicated to me that He "had this". I didn't need to force anything. He just really had it.
By the time Tony and I got in the car to drive up North, it was after 2:30 but we thought no problem, we still had 50 minutes. Well it was smooth sailing until we were 10 minutes away from the agency and then we hit a sign that said, "Road Closed...Detour." Are you kidding me? So we took the detour down some country road, got stuck in jam packed traffic from a factory letting out, and ended up lost. We finally called the agency (after the cell phone disconnected twice) and got directions. By then we were a wreck, nervous and a bit mentally disorganized...not really the way you want to present yourselves as pre-adoptive parents! But when we got there, everyone was so welcoming, so understanding, so down to earth...and it all just flowed so smoothly. We read through information, we laughed and joked and learned a lot about the people's lives at the agency...and of course many of them are adoptive parents themselves. We walked out 2 hours later, overwhelmed, but peaceful. We felt cared for... and very sure that this is the road God is leading us down. Very sure that He "has it".
We have hit a couple of roadblocks since then. A huge decision about Doctors, immunizations. The State requires the kids' immunization records as part of our home study, in order to approve us for adoption in Illinois. We found out that our Pediatrician's office who has our kids medical records from when they had their vaccines has shredded those records because we haven't been there in the last five years!! (I could write a whole blog post on just that! But that's another story!) We need a Dr. willing to navigate us through this dilemma and today, a friend (who we don't talk to all that often but who just "happened" to come by) thinks she may know someone who will help us. We are waiting for the word on that.
Also, much of our paperwork needs to be notarized. The banks can't do it, as they can't come with us to Dr. appointments and psychological examinations etc... to witness our signatures. We have checked with our credit union and they don't really do adoptions. This was weighing heavily on us. We fretted, we worried, we desperately asked around. It kept me awake at night. And then, we decided, to pray (duh.) Something we say to each other a lot these days is, "well, this is God's problem. He has to figure it out or we can't move on." As soon as we rested in that, out of the blue, we found out that one of our very best friends, who Tony sees almost weekly, is a Notary and we didn't even know it! Another confirmation that God is leading us. Another whisper to press on.
It has been an incredible God journey already! Some days we are up, some days we are down, some days we are neutral. Some days we are panic stricken, some days we are peaceful. There are days we are positive this is all going to work out, and there are days we cry, "Lord, help us in our unbelief!" But every time we find ourselves facing a road block, and we have done all we know to do...When we have lifted it up and then most importantly laid it down, the insurmountable mountain crumbles and the path opens anew. And although it is sometimes leading in a totally different direction from what we expected or even wanted, one thing is for certain--God is there and He is reminding us that He can do immeasurably more then anything we can ask or imagine. And we don't have to worry. Because He "has this". He really, really "has this".
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Hungary, Africa, Hungary, Africa......The Dance
My emotions are incredibly up and down. Today I am feeling overwhelmed and wondering how, if I can barely do the regular day to day stuff, will I ever find energy for this whole process we are undertaking? But then I think of NOT doing it, and my stomach sinks and a place in my heart immediately defaults to "empty". So, we continue to press on. Getting our service plan signed and emailed back to our parent co-ordinator today. Other then that, we can't do much until we go out to our adoption agency for our Home Study intake interview on the 3rd.
Our Hungarian language CD hasn't arrived yet, and we are waiting on it so we can begin learning some words and phrases. Ellie is going to use it as part of her school work. I was blessed by Abigail, a 16 year old who goes to our church, as she told me the other day that she wants to learn it too, so that she can help us when our girl comes. Thank you, Abigail! You are amazing!
Today, we have focused on getting details done to send Anna off to Africa in September. Our hearts keep going back and forth....Hungary, Africa, Hungary, Africa. It gets a bit dizzying.
Our Hungarian language CD hasn't arrived yet, and we are waiting on it so we can begin learning some words and phrases. Ellie is going to use it as part of her school work. I was blessed by Abigail, a 16 year old who goes to our church, as she told me the other day that she wants to learn it too, so that she can help us when our girl comes. Thank you, Abigail! You are amazing!
Today, we have focused on getting details done to send Anna off to Africa in September. Our hearts keep going back and forth....Hungary, Africa, Hungary, Africa. It gets a bit dizzying.
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Today's Phone Call with "A".
We had a phone conference with our parent coordinator ( "A") today! She sounds wonderful and best of all she put many of our "fears" to rest. She, herself, is adopted and is also an adoptive parent. She took us through the first page of the Service Plan...which is the plan of adoption from the moment we contacted our adoption agency all the way through to when we arrive home and file our post placement reports. I can not wait until we are at that point!!! The most precious thing out of the entire phone conversation was when she told us that they have met "our girl" and that she is the "sweetest, most beautiful child" who loves music, dancing, cooking and many of the arts. She just needs a family to love her, accept her and embrace her. I have to smile to myself...could she fit into our family any more perfectly?
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Pressing On
Already slowly wading through the details. We got the next 3 pieces of paperwork filled out and they are ready to be faxed to our parent coordinator tomorrow morning. We also ordered a Hungarian Basics CD so that we can start learning some words and phrases in Hungarian! I think Ellie will pick it up fast. She will be going with us to Hungary and just might end up being our little translator. :-)
We told family yesterday about us adopting our girl and although they were surprised, they were all very supportive and for that we are thankful. Tony's dad started speaking some Slovac and talking about Czechoslovakia. Said he doesn't know any Hungarian though. My mom and dad were like, "What? What?" and it took them some time to process. But this morning, my email in- box was full of links from dad about Hungarian Resources. Thank you, Dad!
So thankful for the couple from Georgia who we are emailing with...they are giving us advice and information especially about the travel part of this journey, which Tony said is going to be the hardest part of this whole thing for him. As for me, it is all these before hand details that we have to do that are going to be the hardest. Once we are on that plane, I feel like I will be able to just collapse and breathe. I guess time will tell.
In the mean time, we press on one step at a time. It is strange to sit at the kitchen table, filling out this paper work for this one specific child, and to think that she does not have a clue yet that our hearts are consumed with her and that we are actively working through all of these details to bring her home. I can barely comprehend it.
We told family yesterday about us adopting our girl and although they were surprised, they were all very supportive and for that we are thankful. Tony's dad started speaking some Slovac and talking about Czechoslovakia. Said he doesn't know any Hungarian though. My mom and dad were like, "What? What?" and it took them some time to process. But this morning, my email in- box was full of links from dad about Hungarian Resources. Thank you, Dad!
So thankful for the couple from Georgia who we are emailing with...they are giving us advice and information especially about the travel part of this journey, which Tony said is going to be the hardest part of this whole thing for him. As for me, it is all these before hand details that we have to do that are going to be the hardest. Once we are on that plane, I feel like I will be able to just collapse and breathe. I guess time will tell.
In the mean time, we press on one step at a time. It is strange to sit at the kitchen table, filling out this paper work for this one specific child, and to think that she does not have a clue yet that our hearts are consumed with her and that we are actively working through all of these details to bring her home. I can barely comprehend it.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Holding Steady
Not much today. I think Tony and I are a little calmer.....at least for the moment. Our Parent Co-ordinator wrote a comforting email to us today, set up an appointment to call us next Tuesday at 2 p.m. and assured us that she will hold our hands every step of the way. She said, "once you talk with me, you will feel great!" I had to smile and again, I am so impressed with our agency. That is huge and I am grateful for God leading us to just the right one. I remember back in March, thinking I was sending for an information packet, and instead I received a warm, personal email. If that hadn't happened, I wonder if we would have pursued anything beyond that point. But I am sure God had it all planned out...and would have found another way to reach our hearts, had we not responded.
Who would have thought that at 49 years old, and during the midst of emptying out our nest, we would also be re-filling it? This is crazy!!! Crazy, exciting, overwhelming, and way bigger than us. WAY bigger then us!
And that is it for today........We are holding on to the promise that He will work out all the details according to His purpose and in His perfect time.
Who would have thought that at 49 years old, and during the midst of emptying out our nest, we would also be re-filling it? This is crazy!!! Crazy, exciting, overwhelming, and way bigger than us. WAY bigger then us!
And that is it for today........We are holding on to the promise that He will work out all the details according to His purpose and in His perfect time.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Hard Day
A hard day of doubting, worrying, wondering how this is all going to work out. I have to remember that God will give light enough for the next step, and most likely the light will not shine beyond that. It seems to be His way. And I have to trust that He knows best.
An email with 11 attachments from our adoption agency. So much to get done. I panicked and started sweating bullets when that came through last night. Our parent co-ordinator emailed us today and told us just to do the first 3 things on the list....all three of those are just simple forms. Everything else, we will go over in our intake interview on August 3rd. I can not believe we are doing this!!!!!
The rest of life continues on here. We are getting Anna ready to leave for Africa on Sept 8th. She goes downtown to file for a background check tomorrow. Her ears are still not doing super great, although they aren't any worse then they were when it all started last December. We aren't quite sure where to turn next. The Dr. last week said she should be seeing improvement with the allergy meds and the do's and don'ts he gave her for the TMJ. But she isn't noticing a big difference.
Ellie changed her room around today.....she is getting ready to share it with our girl when she arrives from Hungary. That will be months from now.....but Ellie is having a good time "dreaming" about it.
That's it for tonight. I have the forms in my folder to bring to work with me tomorrow and will start filling them out on my break time. For now, it's off to bed to give my brain a rest.
An email with 11 attachments from our adoption agency. So much to get done. I panicked and started sweating bullets when that came through last night. Our parent co-ordinator emailed us today and told us just to do the first 3 things on the list....all three of those are just simple forms. Everything else, we will go over in our intake interview on August 3rd. I can not believe we are doing this!!!!!
The rest of life continues on here. We are getting Anna ready to leave for Africa on Sept 8th. She goes downtown to file for a background check tomorrow. Her ears are still not doing super great, although they aren't any worse then they were when it all started last December. We aren't quite sure where to turn next. The Dr. last week said she should be seeing improvement with the allergy meds and the do's and don'ts he gave her for the TMJ. But she isn't noticing a big difference.
Ellie changed her room around today.....she is getting ready to share it with our girl when she arrives from Hungary. That will be months from now.....but Ellie is having a good time "dreaming" about it.
That's it for tonight. I have the forms in my folder to bring to work with me tomorrow and will start filling them out on my break time. For now, it's off to bed to give my brain a rest.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
JUST BREATHE !!!
This is all moving so fast! Just last week, we officially submitted our paperwork and now we are talking Immigration Forms, Home Studies, Passports, a 6 week stay in Hungary.....on and on and on. I am thankful for our incredible adoption agency who cares as much about our emotional health as our adoption process. Many, many thanks to M. for her support these past few months and her patience with us as we prayed and discussed as a family and prayed some more and drug our feet and then finally decided to go forward with this. I will write an "our story" soon, to let everyone know how we came to this decision. But wanted to get this blog started because so much is happening so fast.
We got hooked up through our adoption agency with a yahoo group formed specifically for parents who have adopted through them, and we were befriended through email by a couple in that group who just got back from adopting an 8 year old boy from Hungary. What a incredible story they have! Anyway, no coincidence that they are strong Christians and that the mother's name is Karen. Her mantra through their year long adoption process, she said, was "Breathe. Just Breathe." and I think I have adopted that mantra as well. But my lifeline is in this statement that she wrote to me. She said that "when there seems to be no way, God will make a way." I believe that with all of my heart. As crazy as this all seems, Tony and I are compelled to move forward on this fast moving train (although I must confess we have already considered jumping), and our wonderful kids have assured us that they also are wholeheartedly on board for this wild, incredible ride!
We got hooked up through our adoption agency with a yahoo group formed specifically for parents who have adopted through them, and we were befriended through email by a couple in that group who just got back from adopting an 8 year old boy from Hungary. What a incredible story they have! Anyway, no coincidence that they are strong Christians and that the mother's name is Karen. Her mantra through their year long adoption process, she said, was "Breathe. Just Breathe." and I think I have adopted that mantra as well. But my lifeline is in this statement that she wrote to me. She said that "when there seems to be no way, God will make a way." I believe that with all of my heart. As crazy as this all seems, Tony and I are compelled to move forward on this fast moving train (although I must confess we have already considered jumping), and our wonderful kids have assured us that they also are wholeheartedly on board for this wild, incredible ride!
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